I have a secret I want to share: I hate the wind. Always have. Always will.
If you know me, you know I’m a friendly guy. I’m easygoing and pretty careless about most things (maybe about too many things, at least according to my wife). So my pure hatred may come as a shock to you. But it’s true. I really hate the wind with all my being.
I hate the wind so bad I want to rip out it’s high-pressure and shove it down it’s low-pressure and seal it all up in a glass jar so it could never rustleanother leaf again. Then I would blow on the jar and scream, “Hey, Wind, how does it feel? Not too pleasant, is it? Ya jerk!” Boy, would that be sweet revenge.
I bet you want to know why I hate the wind so much? It’s a fair question. Let me address it:
The wind makes everything worse. It turns beautiful morning snowfall into hazardous blizzard. It makes fun afternoon Frisbee toss-arounds into degrading games of fetch. It makes slight winter chill bite with a bitter pinch (“It’s 25 degrees outside today with a wind-chill of 3 below”). It ushers clouds to shroud the sun. It waters eyes. It runs noses. Topples trees. Scatters shrubs. It does everything it can to make being outdoors unpleasant.
But do you know the worst part? It does it all while whistling. As if we’re not supposed care. As if a soft unrecognizable melody makes it all ok.
Imagine if you were outside setting up your lemonade stand and some guy came by and kicked over your stand and threw your sign (the one you spent two hours drawing with an assorted combination of markers) across the street into a puddle. You would be pretty pissed at the guy. Now imagine he did the same thing but he was whistling (perhaps “Amazing Grace”). There would be a special place in hell for an A-hole like that.
That guy is the wind.
Now, I’m not hate-monger or anything like that. But let’s get real. It’s time we stand up to such thuggish actions. I propose we build a dome around the country to keep the wind out. We’ll put up big signs like “No wind allowed!” and “Hell no, we wont blow!” In fact, we should put up giant fans on the outside of the dome that blow the opposite direction, just to keep the wind away.
I’m starting to think this idea could really go somewhere. Perhaps there is some money available for it in the “Economic stimulus package.” I’ll think I’ll write the president…